Many of us hesitate to ask for favors, fearing rejection or feeling like a burden. A Columbia University psychologist offers a simple mental shift to ease that discomfort by focusing on the positive impact helping others has for them.
- Shift focus from burden to shared benefit
- Helping others boosts their happiness
- Avoid over-apologizing or quid pro quo offers
What happened
People often feel dread or discomfort when asking for favors, even small ones like borrowing sugar or asking for a ride. This hesitation stems from worries about inconveniencing others or fear of rejection. Some people avoid asking for help altogether unless they are in desperate situations because they don’t want to appear needy or incompetent.
Dr. Heidi Grant, a social psychologist at Columbia University, studied this tendency and found that a healthier way to approach favors is to consider how the person being asked benefits from the interaction. She highlights that when people help others, it increases their sense of well-being and happiness, as being helpful is deeply wired into human nature.
Why it feels good
Helping others provides significant emotional rewards, offering people a meaningful way to connect and feel good about themselves. When you ask for help with genuine need and effort already made, you’re actually giving the other person a valuable opportunity to experience these positive feelings.
Seeing a favor as a gift to the person helping changes the dynamic. Instead of worrying about taking up their time or resources, you can imagine the joy they get from being able to assist someone. This mindset fosters stronger community bonds and mutual kindness.
What to enjoy or watch next
When you next need a favor, try this reframing technique: approach it as a chance for the other person to feel good by being helpful, rather than a potential inconvenience. This simple shift helps reduce social awkwardness and can make you feel more comfortable reaching out.
Also, be mindful to avoid common pitfalls like over-apologizing, which can make the favor awkward, or offering a direct exchange that removes the natural goodwill from the interaction. Instead, focus on genuine connection and gratitude, which can turn even small favors into moments of positive community building.